A 17 year old schoolboy took his life by hanging himself, a couple of days before the new year. The reason: he had a altercation with his father the previous night. While this may sound like a common enough occurrence the world over and a trivial reason for someone to commit suicide, if you dig deeper startling facts begin to emerge.
Many parents seem clueless when it comes to dealing with teenagers. Since teens are neither children nor full-grown adults, many parents don't seem to be equipped to deal with the situation. They expect teens to suddenly show the maturity of adults, which of course cannot happen since they have not yet had the experiences required for this transition to happen. This leads to confusion amongst parents and eventually leads to anger, frustration and heartburn on one side and complete emotional detachment on the other.
In the case of the boy who committed suicide, it was not that he was physically abused or anything. He was not. His dad seems to have been a normal middle/upper-middle class, hardworking individual with reasonably good academic background. It may seem perplexing that someone with such a profile could drive his own child to end his life. But sadly these types, in a sense, can cause a lot more damage than unlettered, rough parents who occasionally give the child a rap, but who a lot more balanced in many other ways.
I call this kind of parent "
intellectual terrorists", since these are polished, well-educated, albeit insecure individuals, who use their knowledge and mental abilities to stifle their children and their growth for varying reasons. (Most don't even know why they do this!) Something when sustained over a few years can drive any kid (or indeed anyone in general) to despair! And yes it is that very thing - DESPAIR - that drives people to kill themselves. One example -
for the intellectual terrorist kind of parent - that I can think of is the mother character in that brilliant Robert Redford directed movie,
Ordinary People.
I have seen many adults -
parents, older siblings, relatives - use the relative lack of maturity and naivete on the part of teenagers to their advantage during interactions, and conveniently twist and manipulate opinions. This is usually followed by a dose of rationalization to justify all wrong-doings on the part of the adult, in case they are found out. (Like why, what they (the adults) have done, "is beneficial for the common good" etc!) If that doesn't work, then it is followed by an apology - usually used as a tactical tool rather than a heartfelt acceptance of a mistake made! Am sure many of us have seen this play out in our houses or elsewhere.
The kid who died, need not have, if only his dad;
- had given him enough space to grow without being judgmental and critical
- had tried to nurture, not nullify his talents
- had not tried to be a bully, knowing fully well the kid was powerless
- had judged himself based on the same standards that he was judging his son.
and most importantly....
- had managed to retain the memory of the day his son was born and his own feelings attached to that event.
Many kids go through this....and live to tell the tale. Sadly some don't.
